RESOLUTION

The glass is not half empty or half full.  The liquid in the glass comes to the half-way point of the glass.  There is no value assigned to the half-way mark unless or until the person looking at it assigns a value.

Still, the values that we assign to events and things, positive or negative, dramatically impact our lives.

An optimist looks at the world with rose-colored glasses, believing every cloud has a silver lining.  A pessimist sees a cloud and is sure it will rain, and maybe worse. 

If you take an optimist and a pessimist and ask them why they hold these beliefs, their core answer will be the same.  Based on their experiences, things usually turn out that way. 

Are they both right?  Yes, and both wrong.  They have assigned a value, positive or negative, to each experience as it happened, based on how they interpreted it. The experience itself had no value, positive or negative, until they assigned it.  Those that look for the positive, find positive.  Those that expect negative, find negative.

Some people are luckier than others; this is true.  But a lot of us have experienced difficult times in this journey called life.  In the end, whether you see your life as having been mostly positive or mostly negative depends in large part on what you were expecting and looking at along the way.

It's not International Women's Day (that's March 8).  However, having come from a Women's Leadership Retreat, I feel the need to celebrate some of the fantastic women I am privileged to know.

Deb Bopsie, Director of the YAI Family Mediation Program, and her partner in mediation and training, Karen Groat.

Lisa Levinson, without whom I wouldn't be presenting at the transformative conference this year.

Amy McGarry, attorney and just a wonderful human being and mother (not that the others aren't).

Louise Richardson, mother and inspiration, without whom I wouldn't even be around.

Carol Adams, psychotherapist with a great sense of humor.

Judy Ringer, who makes being self-employed in conflict management look easy.

Lavon Bartel, Laurie Fogelman, Hildie Lipson, all of whom enriched my experience at the Eleanor Days and brought insight and wisdom into each discussion.

Aileen Fortune, Deb Burwell, and Eileen Conlon, who co-facilitate the Eleanor Days.

Elaina Wheaton, with whom I teach anger management to teens at the Upper Room.

This list is not all-inclusive, by any means.  I am tempted to go on writing and writing until I have covered everyone and no one feels left out.  (Well, aside from the 50% of the population that is male that was left out based on gender alone -- sorry, guys.)  There are many others that I feel truly grateful to have met or to know, through work or otherwise. 

To those who aren't listed, but should be, you know who you are.  If you don't, call me and I'll confirm it for you.

Thank you for all that you do.

Next week I will be at the Eleanor Days retreat, a women's leadership retreat on Isle Au Haut.  It's my first time going.  http://www.umext.maine.edu/genderproject/EleanorDays.htm  The retreat is designed for women who work to create social change in the world.  It provides space to relax, rejuvenate and reflect.  It also gives an opportunity for an additional support network.  We aren't allowed to bring our laptops.  Cell phones likely won't have service.  Sounds perfect, except that I'd like my laptop for writing.

If you've read any of Dr. Stephen Covey's books, you know that he talks about the importance of time management.  http://www.stephencovey.com/  He divides tasks into four quadrants:  1. important, not immediate; 2. important and immediate; 3. unimportant, not immediate; and 4. unimportant and immediate.  http://www.brefigroup.co.uk/acrobat/quadrnts.pdf  He advocates for spending as much time as possible with things that are important, and to also strive toward living a life less urgent.  Spend time in prevention, capability improvement, relationship building, recognizing new opportunities, planning, and recreation with a purpose (improved health, relationship building, stress reduction, etc.)  Too much time in the immediate, urgent, crisis mode leads to rapid burn out.

The problem, as he knows, is that a lot of us get caught up in the immediate and urgent, rather than tending to the important but not urgent.  Crises, pressing problems, and deadlines can get us running like nothing else.  Soon we can become adrenaline junkies, procrastinating until things get to crisis mode so that the adrenaline kicks in and we can finally get something done!  Doing something that's important but not immediately necessary can sound somewhat boring, and it definitely gets bumped to the bottom of the priority list.

Personally, I spend a lot of time in important and immediate.  When I have time for important, not immediate, I don't always know what to do with myself.  Life just seems a bit dull.  How do I prioritize when there's no crisis?

So here I am, off to an island, with no access to the urgent.  No phone calls, no e-mails.  Just time to reflect and plan.  I'm looking forward to it. 

But have I started the reflection and journal questions sent to us months in advance?  Of course not.  They're important, not immediately necessary.  I've looked at them, but that's about it.  Maybe I'll start now.

Some people are oppositional.  If you tell them to do something, they say no.  It doesn't matter if it's in their best interest to do it.  It doesn't matter if they actually were going to do it just before you said something.  What matters is that you said for them to do it, so now the answer is no.

So, what do you do about it?

You need to look for ways to get around the problem.

With an oppositional person, it's best not to confront the person head on.  If you draw a line in the sand, that person will step right over your line, and may go so far as to stomp it out or spit on it as well.  You need to figure out ways to get the person to buy into your solution, or at least to let the rational part of the brain get involved in the discussion before the knee-jerk, instinctive, "no," pops out. 

Here are some quick suggestions, targeted to parents working with teens:

1.  Ask, rather than tell.  "Would you please start your homework?"  rather than "Start your homework right now."  It can be a rhetorical question.  It's still nicer to be asked.

2.  Allow for flexibility, choices, and options.  One request for "five more minutes" should not be a deal breaker.  If the task is going to take a while, or if the person has some attention deficit problems, allow time for breaks as needed (as actually needed based on past performance and not what you think he or she SHOULD need).

3.  Provide structure and routine.  "It's 7:00, time for homework."  That way, everyone knows what time it happens.  It's not your fault it's 7:00 -- it's what the clock says.

4.  Give fair warning.  On Saturday morning, say, "You'll need to get your room clean this weekend."  Then when Sunday morning rolls around, if it's still not clean, you can prompt again.  At that point, maybe you set a time by which it needs to be accomplished.  Then the third time you talk about it, you give a time to start.  (This also allows for flexibility and choice -- it is the child's choice whether to get it done on Saturday or Sunday or both.)

5.  Involve the other person in the decision-making process.  Let the other person also have the time to come to the conclusion that action is needed.

Of course, not only children are oppositional.  Adults are too.  Teens working with parents, or employees working with employers, can run into the same problem.  These situations can be even trickier because of the hierarchy involved.  Some people in positions of power and authority don't like to be questioned, especially by someone they consider to be lower down on the food chain.

For example, say a teenager wants a summer job, her parent wants her to have a summer job, but her parent hasn't taken her to any stores for job applications.  If the parent is oppositional, then if the teen goes to the parent and says, "I need a summer job.  I need you to drive me to stores to look for a job," the parent is likely to say, "No."

Something like this may work instead.  "I'm stuck.  I'd really like to get a job, but I don't have a way to get to the stores to fill out applications.  Is there some time that would work for you to do this?"  This way, you are presenting the problem -- lack of transportation -- to the parent without blame and asking the parent for help in crafting the solution.  The buy in by the parent has to be strong enough to overcome any potential lack of follow through.  Then, the child must not nag or whine as the time approaches.  You can be positive and enthusiastic, which will provide positive reinforcement for the follow through, but if you nag or whine, that could bring out the knee-jerk, "No."

No matter what age, people like to feel respected and heard.  They like to know that their feelings matter.  With oppositional people, you need to be extra careful about this.  Until they know that you have taken their feelings and needs into account, they aren't likely to let down their guard to listen to any of yours.

People sometimes equate abuse with an anger management problem. They think that if the abuser learns to manage his/her anger better, then the abuser will stop abusing.

Maybe. Some abusers do have problems with anger management. The easy way to tell if there is an anger management problem is to look at where the abuser is acting out. Does the abuser act this way to just about everyone? Has the abuser lost jobs because of anger problems at work, gotten into fights with friends because of anger problems, gotten into fights with family because of anger problems, and been difficult at home because of anger problems? If you’re seeing it across most if not all of the spectrum, there’s an anger management problem.

However, there are many abusers who manage their anger quite well. They are excellent friends, star employees. They give back to the community. Stressful situations out in public are handled with ease. It seems that the only place they are angry and abusive is at home.

That’s not an anger management problem. That’s an abuser.

Abuse is about power and control, not anger, just as rape is about power and control, not sex.

Many abusers don’t want you to know that they are abusive. They want you to like them. They want to make a good impression. Abuse is the dirty, little secret saved for home.

It can be shocking to hear that someone you have known for years has been labeled abusive. If nothing has happened around you, you may not want to believe it. It just doesn’t register with the person that you know and love.

Abusers don’t wear signs on their forehead that say, "I abuse my wife." They don’t introduce themselves to new boyfriends by saying, "I’m going to blow through your credit cards, sleep with your friends, destroy you mentally, and leave you. Are you good with that?" Statistically, the first date with an abuser is generally just a little bit better than the first date with a non-abuser. They really know how to get you to like them.

Abusers are multi-faceted. If they weren’t, no one would like them. They can have some great qualities and you may find a lot to like and admire in them.

If someone you care about has been labeled abusive, now or in the past, take a close look at the elements of power and control in their interpersonal relationships. Don’t just talk to the alleged abuser about it. Talk to ex-girlfriends and ex-boyfriends. You think the ex is biased? So is the abuser. Ask if the alleged abuser did any program or class to address the issue. Investigate. Has there been a pattern of economic abuse? What about male or female privilege (the abuser somehow defines the roles so that the other party has to shoulder most or all of the burden)? Does the person use coercion and threats to get what s/he wants? How about intimidation, which may include smashing things, destroying property, abusing pets, displaying weapons, or even just a look? Are children put in the middle of the fight or used as a weapon? Was the other person isolated? Was the abuser overly jealous? When confronted with the abuse, does the abuser minimize it, deny it, or blame the other person for it? Look at the nature and extent of emotional abuse, as well as physical abuse. Emotional abuse can take many forms: name calling, putting someone down, playing mind games, humiliating someone, etc.

In a relationship, there is no magic date by which you can say that if you haven’t been abused, it won’t happen. Some abusers start pretty early on in the relationship. Others wait until after the engagement or after the marriage. It can take days, months, or years for it to start. The question becomes how long you want to put up with it before you get out.

The most successful means of treating physically abusive people is through a batterer intervention program. However, the recidivism rate is high. The fact is that abusers abuse because it works for them. They often don’t want to get treatment and are only there because someone forced them to be there – their significant other or the court. They may not follow through with the program, attending only enough classes to get back into the relationship with the other person or to realize that is not an option.

Traditional counseling is not recommended for abusers. Rather than helping them, it can give them the terminology they need to better justify why they get to abuse others. The focus needs to be on behavior modification, holding them accountable for their actions, and teaching them to recognize and treat the others in their lives as equals.

For more information, I strongly recommend Lundy Bancroft’s book, "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men."