RESOLUTION

I just finished up 2 days at the Third International Transformative Mediation Conference, held at sunny U.C. Santa Barbara. Everyone should be so lucky to have a beach front campus, with summer weather year round. My companion, Drew, and I decided that we had definitely chosen our schools based on entirely wrong criteria.

Lisa and I presented a workshop on mediating in the Maine courts. We (the participants, Lisa, and I) had a lively discussion, punctuated with laughter.

In and out of the workshops, the same topic kept coming up – when being transformative, can you offer any input, education, options or suggestions? The purists say no. This is a constant rub for me and why I tend to say that I try to practice transformative mediation, rather than saying that I do practice transformative mediation.

I believe that as long as you stay humble and follow the parties’ intent, you can help when they need it. It doesn’t make sense to me to have someone wandering in the dark, begging for a flashlight, and I’m not able to give it.

At the same time, I have to tread extremely cautiously, and not offer a flashlight just because I might like one. It has to be up to the parties. And if they don’t like my flashlight and throw it back at me? I can’t take it personally – it’s their decision to make.

Someone once said (and I’m paraphrasing here) that democracy isn’t great, but it’s the best option we have. I tend to feel that way about transformative mediation. Too often I feel like nontransformative mediators quickly evaluate the situation, make their decision as to what should happen, and push parties to that resolution, with varying degrees of gentleness. Who are we, having known the parties for so little time, to think that we know the situation well enough to craft the solution that will work best for them?  And do those parties actually feel heard, and feel a part of the decision-making process?

If I hold fast to the transformative ideals, and do my best to stay on the path, then when I digress, I'm more likely to do so with humility and humbleness.  Options offered are just that -- not recommendations, but options.  I am not the expert in how to solve their crisis.  I am just there to facilitate the discussion.

In this hectic world we live in, it can be easy to get caught up in always doing something, never allowing your brain time to rest.  Even when sleeping, if you're like me, your brain can be hard at work, and you wake up in the morning (or the middle of the night) and realize that you have been dreaming about a particularly troublesome bit of work from the previous day.

Sometimes, your brain just needs permission to relax.

Try meditation.  Saying just one phrase over and over will (hopefully) focus and quiet your mind, giving you a small break from the stresses of the day, and allowing you to feel refreshed and rejuvenated afterwards.

Two of my favorite mantras are:

Ham se (pronounced hahm seh).  Translation:  I am That.

Om nama Shivaya.  Translation:  I honor the Divinity that resides within me.

Ham se is said to be the first meditation we ever learned, as it represents the sound of your breath - ham when you breathe in and se when you exhale.

You can choose your own mantra as well.  What is important is that it is positive and makes you feel at peace.

If you're like me, finding time for meditation in your busy schedule may be difficult (which is one more reason why you need to do it).  Start small and work up from there.  Close your eyes and repeat your mantra to yourself ten times, focusing on relaxing your breath and your body.  You can work up to more. 

Go ahead.  Your brain deserves a break.  Honor the Divinity that resides within you.

Does your child or stepchild lie to you?  Does it drive you crazy?

If you want to raise children who don't lie, then the consequences for lying must be greater than the punishment for the transgression. 

My friend explained it best.  She was honest because she was raised in a household where it was safer to tell the truth than to lie.  Her friend tended to lie when caught because he was raised in a household where it was safer to lie than to tell the truth. 

30+ years later, I still remember my father's lesson to us about lying.  My brother, two cousins, and I (all under age 10) had gotten a hold of a large bag of potato chips, which we were happily scarfing down.  My father came upon us, mouths full, salt, oil, and crumbs covering our hands, and asked if we had permission to be eating those chips.  My older cousin and I shook our heads no, at the same time that my brother and younger cousin nodded their heads yes.  My brother and younger cousin were spanked for lying, while my older cousin and I received no punishment at all.

Now, I'm not advocating spanking -- that's your decision to make.  I am saying that you need to punish separately for lying and make the punishment memorable.  Make sure your child understands that lying is not the safest route.

In "eat pray love," the author describes a theory that one word can be used to describe the thoughts of an entire city. There is one word that is on the mind of every person in that city every day and it motivates their actions. The word given for Rome is SEX. The word for New York is ACHIEVE. The word for Los Angeles is SUCCEED.

What’s the word for your town or community?

What motivates your every action and thought? What’s your word?

Have you ever seen the movie, "Changing Lanes," with Ben Affleck, Morgan Freeman, and William Hurt?  One bad situation based on a bad decision is ratcheted up through multiple bad decisions into a life and death struggle between two men. 

Morgan Freeman's character ends up in jail, and when he tries to explain the situation to his wife, she tells him in anger that he has created the situation, that it really is all his fault, and that these things don't happen to her, but they always happen to him.  His AA sponsor bails him out and tells him that alcohol isn't really his addiction.  His addiction is chaos.

What's your addiction?  Some people are button pushers, and create conflict wherever they go.  Others need drama, and stir the pot whenever they can.  Some are rescuers and jump in to help anyone. 

When you look back on your life, do you see some patterns emerging?  Just remember, you can always change lanes.  Don't push that button, don't stir the pot, just sit back and let it be.