RESOLUTION

Everybody's normal until you get to know them.  Once you know them well enough for them to start showing their little quirks, well, then you find out how weird they really are.  The fact is, as discussed last week, everybody comes as is, without warranties, and with one or more imperfections.

"Of course, the most painful part of this is realizing that I am in the ‘as-is’ department as well. Throughout history human beings have resisted owning up to that little tag. We try to separate the world into normal, healthy people (like us) and difficult people...."

"Everybody’s weird...."

"Because we know in our hearts that this is not the way we’re supposed to be, we try to hide our weirdness. Every one of us pretends to be healthier and kinder than we really are; we all engage in what might be called ‘depravity management.’

".... Some people are pretty good at hiding. But the weirdness is still there. Get close enough to anyone, and you will see it. Everybody’s normal till you get to know them."

– John Ortberg, "Everybody’s Normal Till You Get to Know Them"

It might feel like you're right all the time, you might want or need to be right all the time, but in actuality, you're probably not right every single time.  Every now and then, the person that you're arguing with or judging so harshly just might have a valid point.

Sometimes we need to remind ourselves to be humble.  Our perspective is not "normal;" it's normal for us.

Recognize your own limitations and mistakes.  Own your part in the argument.

"When you deal with human beings, you have come to the ‘as-is’ corner of the universe. Think for a moment about someone in your life. Maybe the person you know best, love most. That person is slightly irregular.

"That person comes with a little tag: There’s a flaw here. A streak of deception, a cruel tongue, a passive spirit, an out-of-control temper. I’m not going to tell you where it is, but it’s there. So when you find it – and you will find it – don’t be surprised. If you want to enter a relationship with this model, there is only one way. ‘As is.’

"If you were looking for perfection, you’ve walked down the wrong aisle."

– John Ortberg, "Everybody’s Normal Till You Get to Know Them"

The thing with fairy tales is, they leave us with such high expectations.  Cinderella gets Prince Charming and they live happily ever after.  The End.

In real life, we have to deal with what happens after the wedding, after the romance has worn off, after we haven't slept more than 3 hours at time for months because we're on the newborn's sleep schedule, after stressful days at work and at home.  We have to deal with addictions that make us concerned for our loved one's physical and emotional health.  We have to deal with what looked initially like a cute little habit, but after 200 times has become a major annoyance.  We have to deal with growing apart, diverging interests, and the annoying friends or family of our significant other.

Sometimes, we get caught up in looking for perfection.  We find the broken bit in our significant other and a. work really hard to fix it (this includes nagging really hard to get them to fix it) or b. end the relationship because the other person just isn't good enough.

It can be helpful to remind ourselves that while what we have may not be perfect, it may be "as good as it gets."

All conflict begins at the same point -- when I am blind to what I have and see only what I don't.    --- Beverly Donofrio, "Looking for Mary"

I had another topic to write about today, but then I found myself in conflict last night, and I heard this quote this morning, and it seemed so much more appropriate.

Last night, I called home on my way home from work, and I learned that a neighbor had left a note in my mailbox.  Not a nice note.  A judgmental, butting your nose in kind of note.  The kids had read it, and they weren't very happy about it.  Hearing it over the phone, I wasn't that happy either, although I could see her point to some extent.

I took care of what she had complained about, but the more I thought, the madder I got.  Why couldn't she just live and let live?  Didn't she realize that there were things she did that I could complain about as well?

Well, no.  When she wrote the note, she was blind to what she had and was seeing only what she didn't have.  I haven't complained to her about any of the things she might do to annoy me, so how would she know?

Had I gone over and confronted her about it last night, it could have gotten quite ugly.  I had a laundry list of things to say, and they weren't all very nice.

I haven't decided how best to handle the situation, but I have avoided how worst to handle the situation.  If I need to talk things through with her, I've given myself the time I need to process so that I will not enter blindly into an argument.  I can look back over the last five years and see the positives, as well as the negatives.  I'm hoping that she will be able to do the same.

Sometimes children don't want to go with one parent or another.  The rejected parent may believe that the other parent is alienating the child, while the sending parent may believe that the child is rightfully rejecting the parent.  I can be called in as the guardian ad litem to figure out what is really going on.

Ben Garber, PhD, http://healthyparent.com/ has written "Conceptualizing Visitation Resistance and Refusal in the Context of Parental Conflict, Separation, and Divorce," which provides a step-by-step evaluation tool for situations such as these.

1. Look at whether the child is saying what s/he believes the listener wants to hear.

2. Is the child resistant to separating from the sending parent in general?

3. Is the child resistant to contact with the rejected parent in general?

4. Which parent is stricter or more demanding?

5. Is the rejected parent responsive to the child's needs?

6. Is the sending parent supportive of the receiving parent?

There are thousands of reasons that children can resist contact with a parent.  Many cases have multiple factors at work.  There may be elements of estrangement and alienation, which combined together have created the perfect storm. 

The question then becomes whether and to what extent the relationship between the child and rejected parent should be healed.  How can contact occur or be reintroduced in a way that is healthy and safe, physically and emotionally, for the child?  And how can the parents be enlisted to engage in corrective action to prevent further damage to that relationship?

My anger management students hate that statement.

"Wait a minute," they say.  "People definitely can make me angry.  They make me angry every day.  My sister does it, my boyfriend does it, parents definitely do it."

There was a time that I agreed with them.  I had a friend that would always say, "No one can make you angry."  I would think, "Yeah, right," and try not to roll my eyes.

And yet, I maintain that other people, events, and things cannot make you angry.  They can trigger your anger, but they cannot make you angry.

What's the difference?  Am I just arguing semantics?

Maybe, but there's a reason for it.  If I say that someone made me mad, then I'm not in control of my anger; the person who made me angry is.  if I say someone triggered my anger, then I'm in control of whether and to what extent I get angry.

No one can reach into my brain and flip a switch and make me angry.  Only I can make myself angry.  And only I determine what I do with that anger.