RESOLUTION

An argument doesn't have to end in agreement for there to be a resolution.

Sometimes, no matter what is said or how it is said, you just continue to see things differently from the other person.  That's OK.  If you were able to get clear in your position and the other person was able to get clear in his/her position, sometimes that is the best that you can do. 

Yes, it would feel better if you could agree.  Yes, a true agreement would take up much less mental energy than continuing to disagree (and trying to figure out a way to make the other person agree with you).  But sometimes it just isn't possible.

Sometimes the best you can do is to agree to disagree and move on from there.

Teens can be quite maddening. Even the best parents and stepparents can have moments where they want to scream, cry, rip their hair out, kill (or at least attack), and sometimes all at once. Teens experience the same range of emotions about their parents and stepparents.

I think that it is nature's way of getting all of us ready for the inevitable parting of ways. If teens weren't convinced that they could do everything better than their parents ever did, they might never want to leave the nest. And if they weren't so overconfident, contrary, and constantly testing boundaries, we parents and stepparents might not be so keen on the idea of them leaving the nest. As it is, by the time they reach age 18 and high school graduation, parents and teens alike have often decided it would be best for all involved to have some time apart.

That's all well and good from an intellectual standpoint, but how do you get through those challenging times?

Families First has some great programs available for parents. 

• Living With Teens is a support group that meets every second Wednesday.  It's always helpful to hear other parents' stories and what they have done that has been successful.
• Keeping Your Cool:  Anger Help For Everyday Parenting is a four-week program that runs periodically.  Check with Families First to see when it's next available. http://www.familiesfirstseacoast.org/calendar.html

The Community Diversion Program has an excellent program called R-Squared for teens coping with anger issues and/or substance abuse problems. R-Squared gives teens the opportunity to practice weighing the risks and rewards of their actions.  There are weekly sessions and it's rolling admission, so your teen can start almost immediately. They have a sliding scale fee and scholarships available, so cost should not be an issue. http://www.communitydiversion.org/services.html

You can get through these years successfully.  It just might take some work.

Ah, Thanksgiving.  At its most literal, a time of giving thanks.  How often do we factor that into the equation? 

Between figuring out whose house we're having it at (which can also contain the ever-popular OMG it's mine and I have to find time to clean it), who is responsible for bringing what, listening to our spouse and/or child(ren) whine about the location, being the one to whine about the location, dealing with family politics, trying to get work done so that we can afford to take a day or two off, and figuring out child care for those days the kids have off that we don't, who has time to breathe, let alone be grateful? 

Plus we have to worry about the economy.  Everyday in every news media, it's stuffed down our throats.  We need to worry.  Even if it hasn't impacted us yet, it will.  It will catch us when we least expect it.  Better not to sleep, lest it get us when we're sleeping.

Of course, all that worrying isn't actually doing a darn thing to help the economy.  But it is making us stressed and getting us to focus on all that we don't have, rather than all that we do.

Stop.  Take a deep breath.  Focus.  Do you still have your health?  Family?  Friends?  Pets?  Job?  Health insurance?  Food?  Shelter?  Look at all there is for which to be grateful.

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving.

Full of Ourselves is a wellness program to advance girl power, health and leadership.  For the past two weeks, Rachel Phipps, my stepdaughter and I have been co-facilitating the program at the Kennebunk, ME, middle school.  Each exercise in the program is carefully designed to strengthen the girls in some way -- recognizing positive female role models and relationships, recognizing each girl's own positive attributes and increasing her ability to speak of them, using guided meditation as a stress reliever, getting comfortable with voicing their opinions, eating healthy, etc.  I'm really looking forward to watching the changes in the girls, if any, over the course of the program.  It is an amazing program!

I understand that this can be seen as discriminatory, as boys are not involved.  I think that a similar program, targeted to boys, taught by men, would be equally fabulous and I encourage others to make it happen!  There are certainly plenty of boys who would benefit from a program that advanced their potential with respect to power, health, and leadership.

The New England Chapter of the Association for Conflict Resolution presents its Annual Conference December 11 and 12, 2008.  Lisa Levinson and I will be presenting a workshop entitled, "Transformative Practice in the Maine Court System."  Check out http://www.neacr.org/displayconvspecific.cfm?convnbr=5549 for more details.  Hope to see you there!