RESOLUTION

It's not whether you get knocked down, it's whether you get back up. -- Vince Lombardi

Given the recent Superbowl, it seemed appropriate to start with a football quote.

You can't avoid conflict.  It's a natural part of life.  Sometimes your opinions will be different from those of others.  Sometimes your desires will be. 

Some days you may feel on top of your game and handle conflict in stride. Other days, you may feel like the conflict ran you over with a Mack truck.  Those are the days that you need to remember -- It's not whether you get knocked down, it's whether you get back up.

We have thought of peace as passive

and war as the active way of living.

The opposite is true.

War is not the most strenuous life.

It is a kind of rest cure compared

to the task of reconciling our differences.

From War to Peace is not from the strenuous

to the easy existence.

It is from the futile to the effective,

from the stagnant to the active,

from the destructive to the creative way of life....

The world will be regenerated by the people

who rise above these passive ways

and heroically seek by whatever hardship,

by whatever toil

the methods by which people can agree.

--- Mary Parker Follett

I wrote two letters of complaint recently. One recipient responded with a telephone call to talk things over. The other, my former doctor’s office, simply sent me a transfer of records form to fill out without even a cover letter. Without saying anything, the office had clearly conveyed its response to my complaint.

When mediating small claims cases, I hear repeatedly that one person has been trying to make contact to work out the problem and the other person has refused contact. It’s not until they are in the mediation room with me that they are able to talk things through finally. Often relationships are repaired across the mediation table as they talk.

It is amazing how long things can fester if you let them, and how intense the emotions can become. The old saying, "Time heals all wounds," isn’t always true. The other day, I walked into a room to find an unpleasant surprise – someone I had cut ties with years ago was sitting there and I was obligated to be social with her. I was filled with an immediate rush of anger and hostility. I was still filled with rage for hours afterwards.

I don’t know if things would have been any different between us, or at least for me, if I had talked things through with her after our initial falling out. I do know that the level of anger I still have toward her took me completely by surprise. It didn’t matter that years had passed in which I had never thought about her. When faced with her again, I was faced with the same old unresolved anger.

It can feel easier in the short-term not to have an unpleasant discussion, to simply walk away and be done with it. However, for many people, walking away is not the same as being done with it. The anger continues.

In having the unpleasant discussion, there is always the possibility that things will go further awry and the relationship may become irretrievably broken. However, in walking away, you are also damaging the relationship. You may also be eating away at yourself. Let your voice be heard.

An argument doesn't have to end in agreement for there to be a resolution.

Sometimes, no matter what is said or how it is said, you just continue to see things differently from the other person.  That's OK.  If you were able to get clear in your position and the other person was able to get clear in his/her position, sometimes that is the best that you can do. 

Yes, it would feel better if you could agree.  Yes, a true agreement would take up much less mental energy than continuing to disagree (and trying to figure out a way to make the other person agree with you).  But sometimes it just isn't possible.

Sometimes the best you can do is to agree to disagree and move on from there.

Teens can be quite maddening. Even the best parents and stepparents can have moments where they want to scream, cry, rip their hair out, kill (or at least attack), and sometimes all at once. Teens experience the same range of emotions about their parents and stepparents.

I think that it is nature's way of getting all of us ready for the inevitable parting of ways. If teens weren't convinced that they could do everything better than their parents ever did, they might never want to leave the nest. And if they weren't so overconfident, contrary, and constantly testing boundaries, we parents and stepparents might not be so keen on the idea of them leaving the nest. As it is, by the time they reach age 18 and high school graduation, parents and teens alike have often decided it would be best for all involved to have some time apart.

That's all well and good from an intellectual standpoint, but how do you get through those challenging times?

Families First has some great programs available for parents. 

• Living With Teens is a support group that meets every second Wednesday.  It's always helpful to hear other parents' stories and what they have done that has been successful.
• Keeping Your Cool:  Anger Help For Everyday Parenting is a four-week program that runs periodically.  Check with Families First to see when it's next available. http://www.familiesfirstseacoast.org/calendar.html

The Community Diversion Program has an excellent program called R-Squared for teens coping with anger issues and/or substance abuse problems. R-Squared gives teens the opportunity to practice weighing the risks and rewards of their actions.  There are weekly sessions and it's rolling admission, so your teen can start almost immediately. They have a sliding scale fee and scholarships available, so cost should not be an issue. http://www.communitydiversion.org/services.html

You can get through these years successfully.  It just might take some work.