RESOLUTION

On October 11, I led a workshop on conflict at the South Church Retreat that dealt with multiple layers of conflict.  The first, and obvious layer, was the conflict between 2 groups that were working with the same materials, but had different goals and could not speak with each other.  The second layer, though, came up within the groups as different members had different ideas as to how to get the job done.  Very interesting ideas and insight when we debriefed it at the end.  Really reinforced the importance of being cognizant of your own perception and assumptions, and the need for patience and curiosity with others.  Thank you to all that participated!

I spoke to the Kittery Rotary Club today about the various forms of alternative dispute resolution and owning your part in conflict.  What a great group of people! (And I'm not just saying that because they enjoyed what I had to say.)  Check it out at http://www.kitteryrotary.org/Newsletter.cfm

It's not whether you get knocked down, it's whether you get back up. -- Vince Lombardi

Given the recent Superbowl, it seemed appropriate to start with a football quote.

You can't avoid conflict.  It's a natural part of life.  Sometimes your opinions will be different from those of others.  Sometimes your desires will be. 

Some days you may feel on top of your game and handle conflict in stride. Other days, you may feel like the conflict ran you over with a Mack truck.  Those are the days that you need to remember -- It's not whether you get knocked down, it's whether you get back up.

We have thought of peace as passive

and war as the active way of living.

The opposite is true.

War is not the most strenuous life.

It is a kind of rest cure compared

to the task of reconciling our differences.

From War to Peace is not from the strenuous

to the easy existence.

It is from the futile to the effective,

from the stagnant to the active,

from the destructive to the creative way of life....

The world will be regenerated by the people

who rise above these passive ways

and heroically seek by whatever hardship,

by whatever toil

the methods by which people can agree.

--- Mary Parker Follett

I wrote two letters of complaint recently. One recipient responded with a telephone call to talk things over. The other, my former doctor’s office, simply sent me a transfer of records form to fill out without even a cover letter. Without saying anything, the office had clearly conveyed its response to my complaint.

When mediating small claims cases, I hear repeatedly that one person has been trying to make contact to work out the problem and the other person has refused contact. It’s not until they are in the mediation room with me that they are able to talk things through finally. Often relationships are repaired across the mediation table as they talk.

It is amazing how long things can fester if you let them, and how intense the emotions can become. The old saying, "Time heals all wounds," isn’t always true. The other day, I walked into a room to find an unpleasant surprise – someone I had cut ties with years ago was sitting there and I was obligated to be social with her. I was filled with an immediate rush of anger and hostility. I was still filled with rage for hours afterwards.

I don’t know if things would have been any different between us, or at least for me, if I had talked things through with her after our initial falling out. I do know that the level of anger I still have toward her took me completely by surprise. It didn’t matter that years had passed in which I had never thought about her. When faced with her again, I was faced with the same old unresolved anger.

It can feel easier in the short-term not to have an unpleasant discussion, to simply walk away and be done with it. However, for many people, walking away is not the same as being done with it. The anger continues.

In having the unpleasant discussion, there is always the possibility that things will go further awry and the relationship may become irretrievably broken. However, in walking away, you are also damaging the relationship. You may also be eating away at yourself. Let your voice be heard.